The Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney

I'm not a regular New York Times reader, but this came my way and is too good not to share. In case you're not sure if it's accurate, let me say this: Mitt Romney was my governor. I know Mitt Romney. And if this doesn't fit you, you're not Mitt Romney. It's by David Javerbaum, former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/01/opinion/sunday/a-quantum-theory-of-mitt-romney.html

I hope this isn't behind a paywall. Just in case, here's an excerpt:

Complementarity. In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Mitt Romney is both a moderate and a conservative, depending on the situation... It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time....

Uncertainty. Frustrating as it may be, the rules of quantum campaigning dictate that no human being can ever simultaneously know both what Mitt Romney’s current position is and where that position will be at some future date. This is known as the “principle uncertainty principle.”

Entanglement. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a proton, neutron or Mormon: the act of observing cannot be separated from the outcome of the observation. By asking Mitt Romney how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it. More precisely, Mitt Romney will feel every possible way about an issue until the moment he is asked about it, at which point the many feelings decohere into the single answer most likely to please the asker....

Duality. Many conservatives believe the existence of Mitt Romney allows for the possibility of the spontaneous creation of an “anti-Romney”... that leaps into existence and annihilates Mitt Romney. (However, the science behind this is somewhat suspect, as it is financed by Rick Santorum, for whom science itself is suspect.)

Read the whole thing, if you can. It's funny, and more than a little true.

Edit: On reflection, I think maybe I was being a little mean here. To Mitt Romney the political persona, well—yeah, all that's true. But to Mitt Romney the man...sorry, guy. I don't really know you. For all I know, you're a great guy. I hope you had a nice Easter weekend.